Why Do We Avoid Difficult Conversations Even When We Need Them?
Why Do We Avoid Difficult Conversations Even When We Need Them? There are certain conversations we know we have to have. A boundary which has to be set. An apology which has to be made. A problem which has to be addressed. A feeling which we have been avoiding all along. The truth that would actually shed light on the matter. Nevertheless, we avoid having the conversation. We tell ourselves that there is another appropriate time. We convince ourselves that it is not that important anyway. We just hope that the situation will eventually sort itself out. Sometimes, we even deceive ourselves by thinking that we are doing the mature thing by avoiding the conversation. However, most of the time, the reason is much simpler than that. It is simply because the conversation is uncomfortable. Fear of difficult conversations does not necessarily stem from what we have to say but from what we think might happen once we say it. What if he gets mad at me? What if she misinterprets what I am saying? How will it affect our relationship? How could I possibly make things worse? Avoiding Difficult Conversations Can Feel Easier in the Short Term. Avoidance tends to be extremely effective initially. If you don’t mention the issue, then there will be no discussion today. If you do not point out your displeasure, then there will be no silence. If you don’t put the limit into effect, then you don’t need to answer to someone questioning it. For a second, you feel relieved. This is because avoidance can easily develop into a habit. Your brain understands: If I avoid having this discussion, then the discomfort will go away. But for the most part, it will only go away momentarily. The issue remains. Anger begins to brew. Little annoyances start creeping into other conversations. You may start distancing yourself from this individual without even knowing why. Or you may be irritable over small things that normally wouldn’t bother you. The discussion you avoided may not necessarily just go away. Sometimes, it just comes up in a different form. Communication Anxiety Is Often About What You Cannot Control. The difficulty of hard conversations is also rooted in the impossibility to predict the reaction of the other person. You can use your words properly. You can stay calm. You can explain your point. But you cannot predict how well the other person will understand it. And this unpredictability may cause communication anxiety. You may run the conversation over and over again in your head. You can imagine every possible reaction of the other person. You can prepare arguments against those you think you are going to face. But eventually, the conversation grows far beyond its real size. Sometimes, this turns into an over-explanation. You try to express yourself in such a way that no one could question your words. But hard conversations don’t work like that. There is nothing you can do to change this. No matter how perfectly you communicate your point of view, there is still going to be some uncomfortable reaction. Emotional Avoidance Can Look Like Being “Easygoing”. Avoiding conflict does not always mean feeling scared. At times, it means being too agreeable. When you say, “It is fine.” “Do not worry about it.” “It does not matter.” But at some point, it matters. In a situation where you want to prevent hurting someone’s feelings or to preserve your relationship. Here comes the element of emotional avoidance through agreeableness. It is perfectly okay to let little things go. Not every matter requires a serious discussion. The problem occurs when you continuously overlook issues that matter to you. When you answer in the affirmative while you would rather say no. When you tolerate actions that make you uncomfortable. When you keep on adapting so much to everyone that no one has to feel uncomfortable. Eventually, your agreeableness might turn into invisibility in your relationships. Hard Conversations Become Easier When You Know What You Actually Want to Say. There are times when the conversation seems daunting because you are not sure what the problem is. You are aware that you are upset. But you are not quite sure why. You know you need to make some changes. But you have not figured out what changes you are requesting. Before going into difficult conversations, it is good to stop and clarify the actual problem. Answering the following questions can help: What happened? How did it impact me? What would I like this person to understand? Do I ask this person to make a change, establish a boundary, or just express my emotions? This will ensure that the conversation does not become an accumulation of all your grievances against this person. Instead of saying: “You never take care of my needs.” you will become aware that what you really meant to say was: “When plans change without letting me know, I feel that my time is not valued.” The latter statement is more precise. It provides the other person with a tangible response. Self-awareness cannot ensure a trouble-free conversation. But it does prepare you for entering into it with a clear understanding of what the conversation is really about. The Conversation May Be Uncomfortable Without Being Wrong. A tough conversation may leave you with a racing heart. You could feel nervous before the conversation begins. There could be some moments of pause. You could be contradicted by the other person. Your conversation may not be perfectly perfect. This does not necessarily imply that the conversation was a bad one. Sometimes we assume that good communication needs to be smooth all the way through. But, being truthful may hurt. Setting boundaries may make someone unhappy. An apology may make you vulnerable. Differences may exist even between loving partners. In CHE Academy, self-awareness is not eliminating all the uncomfortable feelings before a conversation. It is about knowing what the feeling means and whether it should control you. Sometimes the conversation you are
Why Does Criticism Affect Some People More Than Others?
Why Does Criticism Affect Some People More Than Others? A simple remark can haunt you for much longer than the speaker likely intended. “You could have done this better.” “You seem like a different person lately.” “I don’t think this was your most intelligent choice.” To some individuals, such statements will serve their intended purpose. They will reflect on the advice and carry on. To other people, the very same comments can occupy their thoughts for hours at a time. Am I not good enough? Did I let him/her down? Does he/she think poorly of me now? Many times, the toughest part of coping with criticism is not the criticism itself. It is everything that comes along with it and what the criticism implies about you. This understanding can allow you to see the difference between constructive criticism and the emotions you tend to feel upon hearing them. Criticism Can Feel Personal Even When It Is About One Thing. Consider for a moment that someone were to tell you that your presentation was difficult to follow. What is actually being addressed is the presentation itself. However, your mind may translate this as: “I am incompetent at my job.” Alternatively, someone might tell you that you said something that has hurt their feelings. Rather than translating it to say: “That particular statement was hurtful.” Your mind translates this as: “I am a terrible person.” This is the reason why criticism tends to be hurtful when taken personally; the mind interprets the criticism as a reflection on the entirety of your identity rather than just on an isolated incident. The translation may appear minute, but there is a big difference emotionally. “You messed up” is entirely different from saying “You are a failure.” “You did not handle the situation well” is different from “You are a bad person.” When you learn to differentiate between yourself and your actions, you will be able to take criticisms much better without letting them define you. It is not that you should disregard your responsibility. It is about seeing the situation for what it is. Your Fear of Criticism May Have Started Long Before This Conversation. In some cases, such a strong response to criticism becomes clearer when analyzed through the lens of your past experience. Perhaps your mistakes were criticized very much in childhood. Maybe your approval was based on your success. Perhaps you got used to being the responsible one, the successful one, the one who never made mistakes. You could have encountered situations where criticism was far from constructive. This could involve embarrassment, comparisons, rejection, or condemnation. Gradually, your brain learns the connection: Criticism means there is something wrong with me. And this connection will exist even when the person criticizing you does not plan to reject you. And this is how fear of criticism may sometimes appear disproportionate to the situation. Because while the conversation takes place now, the roots of your emotions may lie in the past experiences where criticism meant rejection. You may instantly start to protect yourself. You may become silent. You may provide the full details in order to prove that you are right. Or maybe you just say yes to everything in order to end this uncomfortable conversation. All of these responses may come automatically without even thinking if the criticism is justified or not. Handling Criticism Starts With Separating Feedback From Interpretation. All criticism cannot be treated equally. There is useful criticism. There is partially useful criticism. There is misunderstood criticism. Finally, there is unfair, rude, disrespectful or subjective criticism. The problem is that under strong emotional pressure, one cannot differentiate between various kinds of criticism. This is the reason why working with criticism usually starts with pausing. Instead of rushing into: How do I defend myself? one should first ask: What exactly is being criticized? Next: What am I adding to the criticism? For instance, one person criticizes: “You’ve been late twice this week.” It’s an observation. Your brain provides an interpretation: “They think I’m irresponsible.” An interpretation may be correct, but not necessarily. However, making a distinction allows for thinking and not acting impulsively. One can also ask himself/herself whether there is any useful information in the criticism. For example, 20% of criticism can be true and useful, while 80% is just an exaggeration. You don’t need to agree with everything that is said for you to benefit from useful information. On the other hand, you shouldn’t take all negative comments for constructive purposes. Self-awareness does not imply automatically accepting any kind of criticism. Your Emotional Response to Criticism Is Information, Not the Final Answer. Criticism may elicit feelings such as embarrassment, anger, anxiety, defensiveness, or shame. These feelings are important. However, these feelings do not always tell you whether the critique you received is right. You may feel insulted by something which is true. You may feel insulted by something which is completely untrue. That is the reason why your emotional reaction to criticism cannot be taken as evidence. If the comment evokes a particularly strong defensive reaction from you, you may want to ask yourself: Why do I find this particular comment threatening? Does this comment strike at one of my insecurities? Does this comment strike at an identity I have built for myself? Is it that the manner in which the person spoke to me was insulting, even though part of what he or she said was true? Or, possibly, am I too emotionally drained to listen to a critique right now? Knowing why you feel the way you feel will help you distinguish between the two things. Sometimes, you will need to make an improvement. Sometimes, you will need to explain a misunderstanding. Sometimes, you will need to establish a boundary in terms of how people speak to you. Self-Awareness Changes What Criticism Means. But the objective is not to arrive at a stage where criticism doesn’t matter anymore to you. Because there will be certain kinds of criticism
Why Do Small Things Feel Bigger When You Are Stressed?
Why Do Small Things Feel Bigger When You Are Stressed? Sometimes, a small annoyance is nothing but a small annoyance. Your coffee spills. People respond too late. You fail to take the right turn when driving. Your colleague throws one last question at you. Usually, you would shrug it off. However, on other occasions, that very same situation becomes utterly unbearable. Your patience wears out more easily. Every comment takes on a new meaning. Small issues begin to seem as though it’s the last straw. Then you ask yourself: “Why am I responding in this manner?” It turns out that, usually, you have very little to do with that particular event and everything to do with how much your body and mind had already been burdened. This is where the study of stress reactions comes into play. Stress Reactions Are Often About What Came Before the Moment . The stress reaction does not usually arise from the last straw. It is often cumulative. Difficult start to the day. Being swamped with responsibilities. Lack of sleep. That unfinished argument. Workplace stress. Anxiety about something beyond your control. Before you reach the little thing, your emotional reserves could be depleted. Think about having a number of bags at once. Suddenly someone gives you another, lightweight bag to carry. The additional bag is not necessarily a heavy load. However, since you are holding several bags in your hands, it is just too much. The stress response can happen in the same way. The last straw is not necessarily a big deal. It is just the last straw when you are already at full capacity. Stress and Emotions Can Make Ordinary Situations Feel More Intense. As stress increases, the emotions become more difficult to control. You can be more reactive to criticisms. Less tolerant of delays. Irritated by noises. Quick to conclude that someone was being rude because he or she had sent a very brief message. This doesn’t mean that all of a sudden you have become unreasonable. It means that both stress and emotions can affect your perception of what is going on around you. What used to be neutral comments can be perceived as negative. Small errors could appear to be major failures. Delays in responding can seem like rejection. The environment hasn’t really changed. What has is your emotional condition. Your Stress Response Can Begin Before You Realize You Are Stressed. Stress tends to be something that people recognize after it reaches an evident level. However, your body could pick up on it much sooner than you think. Your breathing speeds up. Your shoulders tighten. Your jaw tenses. You find it hard to concentrate. Your sleep becomes more shallow. You find yourself moving from one task to the next without finishing anything that you start. This could all be part of your stress reaction. When you realize that you are stressed, it could already have been trying to get your attention for hours, if not days. That is why it is important to pay attention to your emotions. It will give you more time to react before you feel overwhelmed. Feeling Overwhelmed Can Make Small Decisions Feel Exhausting. One sign of emotional overload is that simple things begin to require too much effort. Choosing what to eat feels annoying. Answering a message feels like another task. Making a small decision feels strangely difficult. Someone asking, “What do you want to do?” can feel like pressure instead of a simple question. When you are feeling overwhelmed, your mind may already be processing too many demands at once. This can reduce the amount of attention and patience available for new decisions. That is why a person who normally handles problems calmly may suddenly say: “I cannot deal with one more thing.” Sometimes, that sentence is more accurate than it sounds. Emotional Overload Does Not Always Look Like Sadness . If someone tries to visualize what emotional overload is, he/she might see an individual crying or visibly distraught. However, it might be quite different. You may begin acting irritable. You will probably cease answering others. You might become abnormally quiet. You might feel numb. You might delay your actions with something that you could do easily. You might begin to get angry about things that would not matter to you before. Emotional overload might disguise itself differently. At times, it will show itself as impatience. At times, as withdrawal. And sometimes just as everything being too much. Identifying your own kind of emotional overload will help you identify when you should relieve the pressure instead of criticizing yourself for overreacting. Why Irritability Can Be a Sign of Too Much Pressure ? Irritability can be easily misinterpreted. You might ask yourself: Why is everyone bothering me today? The truth is that no one around you has really done anything different at all. It could be just the case that you have less emotional room left. As you become stressed out, your patience can become shorter. Distractions seem more disturbing. Repesitions seem more annoying. Noises seem louder. This is why irritability can be a sign that your mental workload has gotten too high. Rather than asking: “Why do I feel so irritated by everyone?” it may be helpful to ask: “How much am I being stressed right now?” Self-Awareness Under Stress Helps You Separate the Trigger From the Load . One of the best things you can do when under stress is make a distinction between your trigger and your load. Perhaps the remark made by your co-worker made you angry. This is your trigger. But then you might have gotten inadequate sleep, have three deadlines to meet, and have been spending all morning trying to solve a personal problem. This is your load. Lack of awareness under stress makes it easy to put the full blame for the emotional response on the most recent incident. You will say to yourself: That remark has destroyed my whole day. But in reality, the remark came
Are You Reacting or Responding? The Difference Self-Awareness Makes.
Are You Reacting or Responding? The Difference Self-Awareness Makes. Often times, all that separates a great conversation from an argument can be a matter of just a few seconds. Something gets said that annoys you. It pops into your head almost instantly. You start feeling it physically. Before you have even had time to think about what you wanted to say, the words come tumbling out. Later on, you may wonder, Why did I say that? This is the point at which the distinction between react and respond comes into play. Reacting is fast and often fueled by emotion, habits, stress, or immediate self-preservation. Responding is a little bit more than that because it is also emotional but involves awareness as well. You recognize how you are feeling. You see what is going on around you. And then you make a decision. It could be the exact same scenario but very different results. Reacting Often Happens Before You Have Time to Think. The reaction may seem almost instinctive. If someone comments on your performance, you immediately jump to your defense. Your family member talks to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and your voice gets louder. A friend suddenly calls off your arrangements, and you send an angry message before even trying to understand the situation. At such times, your mind could be reacting to the perceived threat. The threat need not be physical in nature. The threat can range from feeling embarrassed to feeling rejected, disrespected, criticized, losing control, or fear of misinterpretation. This is why reacting under pressure may sometimes seem very quick. The feeling precedes the explanation. An Emotional Response Is Not the Problem. Just because you have a strong emotional reaction doesn’t mean you have messed up. Anger, disappointment, anxiety, embarrassment, and frustration are all normal human emotions. The tricky part is when the very first time you experience an emotion, it is an action. Suppose that someone sends you a short text message at work. “Let’s have a chat about your job.” You may immediately start to feel nervous. Your mind starts to create an explanation. It was my mistake. He is not happy with me. There will be trouble ahead. Feelings are real. However, the explanation created by your mind can be inaccurate. Emotion provides you with information. However, it doesn’t always provide the whole picture. The Pause Between Feeling and Acting Matters. The concept of pausing seems easy enough. However, it may be hard in reality. When you are angry or stressed out, you will have a desire to act right away. You will want to respond to the message. Fix the mistake of the other party. Defend yourself. Explain everything. Leave the room. But learning to pause when you have the desire to react will allow you to gain something – time. A little bit of time will help you to question: How do I feel now? What do I assume? What do I know for sure? What do I expect from the discussion? It is not about pausing until your feelings go away. It is about pausing the initial reaction from making all the decisions. What Does a Mindful Response Actually Look Like? Mindfulness does not necessarily mean being passive and agreeable all the time. At times, the right way to respond is to be firm. There are moments when you have to let the other person know that something upset you. There are moments when setting a boundary becomes necessary. The only difference is that you choose the way you react, rather than getting drawn into it. In such situations as being interrupted in the middle of a discussion in a meeting, for instance, a reactive response could be: “Could you please stop interrupting me once and for all?” A mindful response would be: “I would like to finish my point, after which you can express yourself.” Both responses resolve the same issue, but in different ways. Why Do We React More Strongly Under Stress? Stress causes us to feel that we have less space. If you are tired, overburdened, anxious, or stressed out already, everything becomes magnified. What would usually just bother you can now irritate you beyond your limit. An unintended delay can come across as being disrespectful. A simple question can sound like an accusation. And this is partly why people often find themselves reacting in moments of stress more than they do at other times. It is not only because of what is happening right then and there. It is also because of everything else that has built up beforehand. That is why self-awareness can become particularly important in times of high stress. Often it is not even the question “Why am I reacting so strongly to this?” But rather “What else am I bringing into this moment?” Self-Awareness in Communication Changes the Conversation. Effective communication isn’t only a matter of picking the right words. It is also a matter of being able to perceive what is going on with you as you communicate. Self-awareness in communication will enable you to observe how you become defensive, impatient, withdrawn, or too emotional in your conversations. Maybe you begin talking fast if someone criticizes you. You become sarcastic if you feel uncomfortable. Maybe you don’t say anything at all if there is any conflict. This is helpful to know because your behavior affects the conversation even if it wasn’t your intention. The clearer you are about your own communication style, the easier it will be to make a change when needed. Sometimes the Best Response Is to Delay the Conversation. Every problem does not need to be solved right away. Sometimes the best reaction can be: “Give me some time before we continue this discussion.” This does not necessarily mean avoiding the problem. It can mean emotional regulation. If you are too upset and know that you cannot communicate effectively, then continuing the discussion will probably only make things worse. Giving yourself some time can
What Triggers You? Understanding Your Emotional Reactions.
What Triggers You? Understanding Your Emotional Reactions. At times, however, the response seems greater than the situation itself. A small remark sets you off, your boss criticizes something that you worked on all morning, and then your best friend takes hours to respond, making you start to imagine scenarios of what could be happening with them that makes them unable to respond promptly. Later, once the initial emotions have passed, the question arises: Why did that get to me? In most cases, it might not be about the event itself but rather its meaning for you. Here lies the value of recognizing your emotional triggers. Triggers don’t necessarily involve events that are of great importance – they are situations, comments, behavior or interactions that provoke an emotional response within you. Recognizing them will give you an insight into why you act the way you do. Emotional Triggers Can Hide Inside Ordinary Moments. Every trigger is not always apparent. In some cases, it would be when you are talking and you get interrupted. In other cases, it would be when you receive some form of criticism. Some examples include cancelation of a plan, unresponsive to your messages, public disagreement, use of certain tone, or exclusion from a discussion. Two individuals can go through the same scenario and react totally differently. For example, let us assume that there is an employee who has given feedback on the work of his or her two workers. One takes the feedback and goes on while the other feels embarrassed or irritated. In this case, even though the feedback was the same, it held a different emotional meaning. Understanding Emotional Triggers Starts With the Meaning You Give Them. We don’t just respondto the event itself. We also respond towhat we think the event means. Your friend cancellingdinner plans might just mean that something has come up. But your mind can takeit to mean: They don’t respect mytime. Your coworkercorrecting you may be trying to help. But what you canthink: They believe that I’mincompetent. Someone who needs somespace may just be overloaded. But your initialreaction might be: They are moving awayfrom me. This kind of thinkingprocess occurs quite quickly, sometimes even before we have a chance to thinkof an alternative explanation. This is whyunderstanding emotional triggers entails seeing past the event itself. Rather than askingonly: What happened? It might be useful toask: What did I think thismeant about me or the other person? Your Emotional Reactions Often Begin Before You Notice Them. Strong feelings can happen very quickly. Your heartbeat changes. You become tensed up. Your voice changes. You get a feeling of arguing, retreating, defending yourself, or leaving. By the time you become aware that you are angry, your body might already have reacted to your feelings. This does not imply that you cannot do anything about it. What it implies is that becoming aware of your reactions early on will make a difference. Perhaps you feel your shoulder muscles getting tightened up before the argument starts. Perhaps you stop speaking up when you get criticized. Perhaps you become overly defensive when you think that the other person is disappointed in you. All these little cues can become helpful indicators. The sooner you become aware of the feeling, the better your chances are of doing something about it. How Can You Identify Your Triggers? Look for Patterns? A single difficult encounter does not tell you much. Many encounters do. In order to figure out your triggers, you should start paying attention to situations that seem to generate emotional responses again and again. It is possible that criticism always makes you defensive. Perhaps being ignored provokes anxiety. Last-minute changes may result in extreme frustration. Exclusion may make you withdraw entirely. You could begin by asking yourself a few basic questions after you had a strong response to something. What preceded my feeling like this? What emotion was I aware of first? What was I telling myself about the situation? Had I responded this way in other similar situations? What did I want to do next? You should not be evaluating your answers. For now, you are simply looking for patterns. A Trigger Is Not the Same as a Fact. It makes a difference. Just because you feel rejected doesn’t mean that you’re rejected. Just because you feel judged doesn’t mean you’ve been judged. Just because you feel ignored doesn’t mean you have been ignored. Your feelings are valid but your initial understanding of the situation may not be complete. If someone ignores your text message for hours on end, then your emotional response would let you know: They are purposely ignoring me. That’s one possible explanation. It’s also possible that they are busy, they’re sleeping, they are driving, they are having some kind of problem, or they are just out of reach. Identifying an emotional trigger doesn’t mean that you ignore your feelings about it. Self-Awareness and Emotions Give You a Moment of Choice. Emotional patterns without awareness become automatic. Something happens. You feel something. You respond. And then you face the consequences. To develop self-awareness and emotions involves making just a little more room within the process. Something happens. You notice how you feel. You understand what the situation evokes in you. And then you decide how you will respond to it. This pause may take only a few seconds, but it can totally transform the entire conversation. Rather than sending an angry message right away, you will wait. Rather than becoming defensive, you will ask for clarification. Rather than jumping to the conclusion that you have been rejected, you will see if there could be another reason. Self-awareness does not eliminate emotions. What it does is prevents each emotion from being an automatic response. Managing Emotional Triggers Does Not Mean Suppressing Them. The two are different because controlling an emotion is not about pretending that it does not exist. Saying, I should not be angry, does not mean that you will not feel anger
Why Is It So Hard to Say No? Understanding People-Pleasing.
Why Is It So Hard to Say No? Understanding People-Pleasing. You know you don’t have the time. You know you are tired. And you might even know that agreeing will make you upset later on. But when asked if you can help, the reply just slips out without a second thought: “Sure.” Many individuals find it incredibly hard to say “no”, but it’s not necessarily because they like saying yes. Sometimes it’s because saying no triggers emotions of guilt, fear of hurting others’ feelings, fear of judgment, or even fear of affecting the relationship negatively. And this is how people-pleasing can be incorporated into your daily routine unconsciously. Knowing why people do this isn’t about being uncaring. It’s about knowing the difference between helping someone out of choice and helping someone out of fear. People-Pleasing Does Not Always Look Like People-Pleasing. By the word “people-pleaser,” one may think of the person who supports everybody or who tries to seek approval. However, sometimes it may appear to be far from being so evident. Being willing to take additional responsibilities, when you are already overloaded with tasks. Not speaking up, when you have something against your mind. Changing your point of view based on the audience you are addressing. Saying sorry, despite not having done anything wrong. Thinking all the time about what other people would want or need, instead of wondering about your own desires and needs. Somehow, such actions may be rewarded. You become an “easy-going” person, a reliable co-worker, a good friend or a problem-free family member. Then the whole pattern becomes even more difficult to notice. So Why Does Saying No Feel So Uncomfortable? The word itself is quite easy. The problem arises from what one thinks will happen when he or she says it. It could be something like: Are they going to get mad at me? Will they think that I am greedy? Will they refuse my involvement from now on? Why will saying no cause problems? The mind can make a very easy boundary appear as an important social risk. The solution is to say yes because it avoids any conflict or disagreement and keeps the person happy. But the trouble arises later on. You might feel tired, annoyed, or angry at yourself for accepting something that you do not even want. The Fear of Disappointing Others Can Shape Your Decisions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with hoping others will look up to you. Human beings are social creatures. The relationships we make and being accepted is an important part of our life. But there comes a problem when fear of disapproval outweighs your ability to tell people what you really need from them. What do you do if one of your colleagues asks you to do some additional work? You have several other deadlines, but instead of figuring out whether you have enough energy for this, your first concern becomes: How can I refuse without getting looked down upon by this person? This happens with your friends, family, partner, even strangers sometimes. And over time we get extremely good at understanding everybody else’s needs, but lose touch with our own. Are You Being Kind, or Are You Afraid to Disappoint Someone? This is an essential difference. Doing good to others is not a problem. Being benevolent, flexible, cooperative, and supportive mayenhance your relationships and community. However, what motivates the ‘yes’ is crucial. Consider two people who both agreed to assist their friendin moving. The first one agrees because he has time and wants to do it. The second one agrees despite his exhaustion but due to hisfear that their friend will consider him uncaring. It is the same deed. But it is motivated entirely differently. The question you can ask yourself when making such decisionsis: “If I knew that this person would not be mad at me,would I still say yes?” Your answer can tell a lot. What Happens When Your Boundaries Keep Moving? A boundary doesn’t have to be an unpleasant thing. It is just about communicating what you can and cannotreasonably provide. Such as: “I can help out for an hour, but not allafternoon.” “I can’t take this on right now.” “I need a little bit of time before I answer yourquestion.” They don’t say no to the other person; rather, they shareinformation about what your limits are. But without setting up your boundaries, the other peoplewill never know how far they can go. And if you keep saying yes to their requests, they wouldprobably think that what they are asking you is okay. However, you may start feeling annoyed in the process. It’s one of the challenging aspects of being a peoplepleaser that you may get angry at the people crossing the boundaries youhaven’t set up. Why Guilt Does Not Always Mean You Did Something Wrong? Now you finally say no. And then the guilt strikes. This could lead someone to doubt their choice right away. Should I just do it? Was I too strict? Am I just being selfish? But having guilt does not automatically mean one is guilty. At times, guilt might be experienced only because one didsomething out of the ordinary for them. If someone is used to always being available, making timeboundaries might at first feel like a wrong thing to do. But the fact that it feels wrong does not necessarily meanone has to change their mind about it. Start With a Pause Instead of an Immediate Yes. Stopping the pattern of pleasing others does not involveoutright rejection of all requests. Sometimes, something far more simple may prove quitehelpful: Stop responding instantly. Rather than always saying yes automatically, considertrying: “Let me look into that and come back to you.” “Let me consider whether I have time for that.” “Can I give you a response later today?” This small delay leaves some space between the request andthe response. It provides time to ask oneself such questions as: Is this what I really want to do? Can
A Clearer Look at Coaching Before You Begin
A Clearer Look at Coaching Before You Begin Most individuals when they hear the term “coaching” envision someone advising, directing them on what to do, or transforming them into an entirely new individual. However, coaching does not involve being directed on how to be living one’s life. Rather, it is a guided discussion that enables you to get to know yourself better, organize your thoughts, analyze your options, and move from ambiguity to taking action. Coaching provides you the room to stop, think, and examine your life, goals, difficulties, or decision-making processes more objectively. At times, you are aware that changes need to be made. You may be experiencing feelings of being stuck, confused, overwhelmed, being distracted, or simply being unclear about your next move. You have set goals but are not sure about how to proceed. You may even be aware of the situation, but you keep repeating the same pattern. And here comes the role of coaching. Coaching will not change you in any way. It will only provide you the opportunity to hear yourself better, identify what is holding you back, and make a realistic next move. One of the greatest misconceptions regarding coaching is the notion that a coach will provide instant solutions to their coachees. Coaching is not about being told “Do this,” or “Make that choice.” Rather, coaching enables an individual to ask better questions, find patterns, and uncover what lies underneath the situation. Whereas advice gives an immediate answer, coaching builds awareness and ownership. Let us take the case where an individual is experiencing difficulties in making a decision. Advice could make him see which decision sounds more appropriate. Coaching would enable him to uncover the real reason behind his inability to make decisions, what his values are, what is driving his fears and what would be his desired outcome. Coaching Is Not Advice The First Step Is Understanding Where You Are One of the major misconceptions related to coaching is the belief that the coach has ready-made answers for you.The coach does not tell you: “Do this” or “choose that.”Rather, he/she helps you to learn how to ask the right questions, see the pattern and understand the true situation behind it. In contrast to advice that provides you with an instant answer, coaching enables you to develop awareness and ownership.Thus, if you have to make a decision, the piece of advice will simply indicate which choice seems more appropriate to the one giving the recommendation. Coaching will help you understand the reason for the difficulty in making the decision, the underlying values, fears and the most important thing for you in the outcome of the situation. You Explore the Pattern, Not Just the Problem A quality coaching process is not simply centered around one situation in isolation. It will help you see patterns. Perhaps you are consistently indecisive. Or perhaps you shy away from challenging interactions. Perhaps you say yes too easily and become depleted as a result. Perhaps you are great for a few days and then you fail to be consistent after. Perhaps you know exactly what you want to do, but you wait for when you feel like doing it. This happens because the pattern feels familiar. In a coaching process, you can see the pattern without being judgmental about it. You have a chance to recognize the pattern and choose differently. This is the reason why self-awareness is so critical in coaching. This is not self-awareness as a way of simply having more thoughts. This is self-awareness that can lead to actions. A Coaching Session Helps You Create Clarity Many people seek coaching as a result of confusion. This might be about having too many ideas, too many commitments, or too many paths. You might seek personal growth, yet you don’t know how to start. In the coaching process, clarity is developed in small steps. Some questions that you may discuss in a coaching conversation include: What do I truly want out of this situation? What is draining my energy currently? Which choice feels more in alignment with my values? What do I avoid? What is one concrete step that I can take now? It might seem like easy questions, but answering them sincerely will help you change your perception about the situation. Sometimes, clarity doesn’t necessarily mean having the whole picture. Sometimes, it means knowing what is your next right step. Coaching Turns Reflection into Action Reflection is crucial, but coaching goes beyond that. Most sessions typically end with some action to take. This could be a choice, a small act, a new method of handling a conversation, an experiment with a habit, or a question that one should keep thinking about throughout the week. The action does not need to be dramatic. On the contrary, small actions tend to work better since they are more likely to be repeated. Coaching allows individuals to shift from “I should make a change” to “This is what I will do next.” This is very important. Most people get trapped in never-ending cycles because their aspirations are too broad and vague. “I would like to be more confident.” “I would like to grow.” “I would like to make changes in my life.” Coaching enables people to transform their wishes into some action. What You May Feel During a Coaching Session The coaching process will feel calm, truthful, challenging, and relieving at once. You might feel understood because there is a listener who is not jumping to conclusions right away. You might feel challenged because of the questions that push you to think further. You might feel uneasy because you spot an old pattern you tried to ignore all along. And you might feel relieved because your thoughts start to form some kind of order in your head. This is how it should be. Progress does not have to be always noisy and noticeable. Sometimes, it is rather a quiet realization. And coaching provides you with a proper environment for
Why Do We Act Unlike Ourselves Under Pressure? And How Can Self-Awareness Help?
Why Do We Act Unlike Ourselves Under Pressure? And How Can Self-Awareness Help? Have you ever said something in a moment of anger and then asked yourself afterward, “Why did I say that? I don’t usually act this way”? Or perhaps you have found yourself avoiding a situation, becoming anxious quickly, lashing out, withdrawing, or making a rushed decision, even though you know this is not how you want to handle things. These moments do not necessarily mean that you have become a different person. Often, psychological stress reveals automatic patterns in the way we think and respond to situations, especially when we feel that time is limited or that the situation is beyond our control. This is where self-awareness becomes important. Awareness does not prevent stressful situations from happening, but it helps you understand what is happening inside you before a feeling turns into an action you may later regret. In calm situations, we usually have more space to think before we act. We can analyze the situation, consider different possibilities, choose our words, and perhaps see the other person’s point of view. But when stress levels rise, our responses become faster and more automatic. A simple situation may suddenly feel much bigger than it really is. A short message from your manager may make you expect the worst. A comment from someone close to you may feel like criticism of your entire personality. A small delay may make you feel as though everything is getting out of control. This is when we may begin responding through old patterns that we have learned to use to protect ourselves or cope with difficult situations. What Happens to Us When We Are Under Pressure? Why Do Our Reactions Differ from One Person to Another? Because stress does not show up in the same way for everyone. Some people become more irritable. Others withdraw and become silent. Some try to control every detail. Someone else may start pleasing everyone simply to avoid conflict. The situation may be the same, but the way each person interprets it is different. This means that the problem is not always the situation itself. Sometimes, it is the meaning we have given to that situation. For example, when someone does not reply to your message, the reality may simply be that they are busy. But your mind may interpret it differently: “Maybe they are angry with me.” “Maybe I said something wrong.” “Maybe they are deliberately ignoring me.” And in moments of stress, we may begin treating these interpretations as though they were facts. Stress Reveals Our Automatic Patterns Everyone has certain behaviors that appear more quickly when they feel threatened, insecure, or out of control. Your pattern might be: Defending yourself immediately. Avoiding confrontation completely. Overthinking. Trying to control every detail. Blaming others. Or emotionally withdrawing from the situation. The important thing is not to label these patterns as good or bad. The more important question is: Is this behavior actually helping me in this situation? Some responses may have helped us at a certain stage in our lives, but they may no longer be appropriate for every situation we face today. The Difference Between Reacting and Responding Consciously There is a significant difference between reacting to a situation and responding to it. A reaction is usually fast and automatic. We feel something, and then we act immediately. A conscious response includes one small additional step: We feel, notice what we are feeling, and then choose what to do. That space may last only a few seconds, but it can change the entire direction of a conversation. Instead of immediately sending an angry message, you might wait for a moment. Instead of defending yourself against every comment, you might ask: “What does this person actually mean?” And instead of making a decision while feeling stressed, you might say: “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” This small space between feeling and acting is one of the most important results of self-awareness. How Does Self-Awareness Help Us Under Pressure? Self-awareness means becoming more capable of noticing your thoughts, emotions, and the way you respond to situations. It does not mean being calm all the time. It does not mean that you never get angry, anxious, or frustrated. It means recognizing what is happening inside you while it is happening. For example: “I’m angry right now.” “I feel like I’m being criticized.” “I’ve noticed that I’m starting to defend myself.” “I feel like I want to escape this conversation.” Once you are able to name what is happening, you are less likely to act completely on autopilot. Notice Your Body’s Signals First Sometimes, your body recognizes stress before your mind does. You may notice: A faster heartbeat. Tension in your jaw or shoulders. Faster breathing. Tension in your stomach. Difficulty concentrating. An urge to end the conversation quickly. These signals can become an early warning system for you. When you begin to notice them, you can ask yourself: “What is happening to me right now?” This simple question shifts your attention from being carried away by your emotions to observing them. Pay Attention to the Story Your Mind Is Telling You When something upsetting happens, there is a difference between: What actually happened and What we told ourselves about what happened. Suppose one of your colleagues disagrees with your idea during a meeting. The fact is: “They disagreed with the idea.” But the story your mind may create is: “They don’t respect me.” Or: “Everyone thinks my ideas are bad.” Or: “I have to prove that I’m right.” These stories can increase stress and influence the way we react. So try asking yourself: What do I actually know to be true, and what am I only assuming? Discover Your Recurring Triggers If you find yourself reacting strongly in similar situations, this is an important opportunity to understand yourself more deeply. Ask yourself: What situations make me feel defensive? When do I feel the need to
How to Change Your Habits and Overcome Resistance to Change
How to Change Your Habits and Overcome Resistance to Change Understand why people resist change and discover practical steps to build healthier habits through awareness, simplicity, and consistency. Many people begin a new habit with excitement but struggle to maintain it. They may believe that the problem is a lack of willpower. In reality, the change may simply be too difficult, unclear, or unsuitable for their daily lives. Changing habits is not a single decision. It is a process that requires awareness, gradual action, and repetition. The brain prefers familiar behaviors because they require less effort and create a sense of safety. Even when we know that a habit is not helping us, we may continue repeating it because it is connected to certain situations or emotions. For example, a person may use their phone when they feel bored, delay an important task because they fear making mistakes, or eat when they feel stressed. For this reason, it is not enough to say, “I will stop this habit.” You need to understand what causes it. Why Do We Resist Change? Observe the Habit First Before trying to change the behavior, ask yourself: When does the habit happen? What emotion appears before it? Where does it usually happen? What do I gain from it? These questions can help you identify the need behind the habit, such as comfort, distraction, relaxation, or a sense of control. Begin With a Small Habit One common reason people struggle with change is that they begin with a plan that is too demanding. Instead of exercising for one hour every day, begin with ten minutes. Instead of reading an entire book each week, begin with two pages a day. The first goal is not to achieve a major result. It is to make the new behavior easy to repeat. Connect It to an Existing Routine You can make a new habit easier to remember by connecting it to something you already do. For example: After drinking my morning coffee, I will write my main tasks. After lunch, I will walk for ten minutes. After brushing my teeth, I will read two pages. The existing routine becomes a natural reminder. Change Your Environment Your environment plays an important role in your habits. If you want to read more, place a book where you can easily see it. If you want to reduce phone use, keep the phone away from your bed and disable unnecessary notifications. Make the new habit easy to access and the old habit slightly more difficult. Replace the Old Habit Some habits serve an emotional need. Stopping the behavior without finding an alternative may leave that need unresolved. If you use your phone to relax, you could replace it with a short walk, music, journaling, or breathing exercises. Choose an alternative that responds to the real need behind the habit. Do Not Treat a Setback as Failure You may return to an old habit after several days or weeks of progress. This does not mean that you have lost everything you achieved.Identify what caused the setback and return to a smaller version of the new habit.Success does not mean never struggling. It means learning how to return after a difficult moment. At CHE Academy, we believe sustainable change begins with understanding yourself and the needs behind your behavior, followed by small and realistic steps that can become part of your daily life.
How to Achieve Your Goals and Support Personal Growth
Choose a Goal That Reflects You Before you begin, ask yourself: Why do I want to achieve this goal? Sometimes, we pursue goals because other people expect them from us or because they represent society’s idea of success. However, commitment becomes easier when your goal reflects your own values and needs. Choose a goal that is relevant to your current stage of life and creates real value for you. General goals such as “I want to improve myself” or “I want to be successful” do not explain what you need to do. Try to make your goal more specific. Instead of saying: “I want to improve my health.” Say: “I will walk for 30 minutes three times a week.” A clear goal helps you understand the required action and measure your progress. Make Your Goal Clear Break It Into Small Steps A goal can feel overwhelming when you view it as one large task. Breaking it into smaller actions makes it easier to begin and continue. For example, if you want to learn a new skill, you can: Choose a suitable learning resource. Study for 20 minutes each day. Apply what you learn through practical exercises. Review your progress every week. Small steps reduce pressure and help you build consistency. Do Not Depend Only on Motivation Motivation changes from one day to another. A simple routine can help you continue even when your energy is low. Choose a specific time to work on your goal, prepare what you need in advance, and use a notebook or weekly tracker to record your progress. Respond to Setbacks With Flexibility You may miss a few days or struggle to follow your original plan. This does not mean you are unable to succeed. Instead of blaming yourself, ask: Were the steps too difficult? Was the timing unsuitable? Do I need support? How can I simplify the plan? A setback is an opportunity to learn and adjust your approach. Begin With One Step Personal growth does not happen overnight. It develops through small decisions and actions repeated over time. Choose one meaningful goal and identify one simple step you can take today. At CHE Academy, we believe that achieving goals begins with understanding yourself and building a realistic plan that reflects your values, abilities, and life circumstances.
