There are certain conversations we know we have to have.
A boundary which has to be set.
An apology which has to be made.
A problem which has to be addressed.
A feeling which we have been avoiding all along.
The truth that would actually shed light on the matter.
Nevertheless, we avoid having the conversation.
We tell ourselves that there is another appropriate time.
We convince ourselves that it is not that important anyway.
We just hope that the situation will eventually sort itself out.
Sometimes, we even deceive ourselves by thinking that we are doing the mature thing by avoiding the conversation.
However, most of the time, the reason is much simpler than that.
It is simply because the conversation is uncomfortable.
Fear of difficult conversations does not necessarily stem from what we have to say but from what we think might happen once we say it.
What if he gets mad at me?
What if she misinterprets what I am saying?
How will it affect our relationship?
How could I possibly make things worse?
Avoidance tends to be extremely effective initially.
If you don’t mention the issue, then there will be no discussion today.
If you do not point out your displeasure, then there will be no silence.
If you don’t put the limit into effect, then you don’t need to answer to someone questioning it.
For a second, you feel relieved.
This is because avoidance can easily develop into a habit.
Your brain understands:
If I avoid having this discussion, then the discomfort will go away.
But for the most part, it will only go away momentarily.
The issue remains.
Anger begins to brew.
Little annoyances start creeping into other conversations.
You may start distancing yourself from this individual without even knowing why.
Or you may be irritable over small things that normally wouldn’t bother you.
The discussion you avoided may not necessarily just go away.
Sometimes, it just comes up in a different form.
The difficulty of hard conversations is also rooted in the impossibility to predict the reaction of the other person.
You can use your words properly.
You can stay calm.
You can explain your point.
But you cannot predict how well the other person will understand it.
And this unpredictability may cause communication anxiety.
You may run the conversation over and over again in your head.
You can imagine every possible reaction of the other person.
You can prepare arguments against those you think you are going to face.
But eventually, the conversation grows far beyond its real size.
Sometimes, this turns into an over-explanation.
You try to express yourself in such a way that no one could question your words.
But hard conversations don’t work like that.
There is nothing you can do to change this.
No matter how perfectly you communicate your point of view, there is still going to be some uncomfortable reaction.
Avoiding conflict does not always mean feeling scared.
At times, it means being too agreeable.
When you say,
“It is fine.”
“Do not worry about it.”
“It does not matter.”
But at some point, it matters.
In a situation where you want to prevent hurting someone’s feelings or to preserve your relationship.
Here comes the element of emotional avoidance through agreeableness.
It is perfectly okay to let little things go.
Not every matter requires a serious discussion.
The problem occurs when you continuously overlook issues that matter to you.
When you answer in the affirmative while you would rather say no.
When you tolerate actions that make you uncomfortable.
When you keep on adapting so much to everyone that no one has to feel uncomfortable.
Eventually, your agreeableness might turn into invisibility in your relationships.
There are times when the conversation seems daunting because you are not sure what the problem is.
You are aware that you are upset.
But you are not quite sure why.
You know you need to make some changes.
But you have not figured out what changes you are requesting.
Before going into difficult conversations, it is good to stop and clarify the actual problem.
Answering the following questions can help:
What happened?
How did it impact me?
What would I like this person to understand?
Do I ask this person to make a change, establish a boundary, or just express my emotions?
This will ensure that the conversation does not become an accumulation of all your grievances against this person.
Instead of saying:
“You never take care of my needs.”
you will become aware that what you really meant to say was:
“When plans change without letting me know, I feel that my time is not valued.”
The latter statement is more precise.
It provides the other person with a tangible response.
Self-awareness cannot ensure a trouble-free conversation.
But it does prepare you for entering into it with a clear understanding of what the conversation is really about.
