You know you don’t have the time.
You know you are tired. And you might even know that agreeing will make you upset later on.
But when asked if you can help, the reply just slips out without a second thought:
“Sure.”
Many individuals find it incredibly hard to say “no”, but it’s not necessarily because they like saying yes. Sometimes it’s because saying no triggers emotions of guilt, fear of hurting others’ feelings, fear of judgment, or even fear of affecting the relationship negatively.
And this is how people-pleasing can be incorporated into your daily routine unconsciously.
Knowing why people do this isn’t about being uncaring. It’s about knowing the difference between helping someone out of choice and helping someone out of fear.
By the word “people-pleaser,” one may think of the person who supports everybody or who tries to seek approval.
However, sometimes it may appear to be far from being so evident.
Being willing to take additional responsibilities, when you are already overloaded with tasks. Not speaking up, when you have something against your mind. Changing your point of view based on the audience you are addressing. Saying sorry, despite not having done anything wrong. Thinking all the time about what other people would want or need, instead of wondering about your own desires and needs.
Somehow, such actions may be rewarded.
You become an “easy-going” person, a reliable co-worker, a good friend or a problem-free family member.
Then the whole pattern becomes even more difficult to notice.
The word itself is quite easy.
The problem arises from what one thinks will happen when he or she says it.
It could be something like:
Are they going to get mad at me?
Will they think that I am greedy?
Will they refuse my involvement from now on?
Why will saying no cause problems?
The mind can make a very easy boundary appear as an important social risk.
The solution is to say yes because it avoids any conflict or disagreement and keeps the person happy.
But the trouble arises later on.
You might feel tired, annoyed, or angry at yourself for accepting something that you do not even want.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with hoping others will look up to you.
Human beings are social creatures. The relationships we make and being accepted is an important part of our life.
But there comes a problem when fear of disapproval outweighs your ability to tell people what you really need from them.
What do you do if one of your colleagues asks you to do some additional work?
You have several other deadlines, but instead of figuring out whether you have enough energy for this, your first concern becomes:
How can I refuse without getting looked down upon by this person?
This happens with your friends, family, partner, even strangers sometimes.
And over time we get extremely good at understanding everybody else’s needs, but lose touch with our own.
This is an essential difference.
Doing good to others is not a problem.
Being benevolent, flexible, cooperative, and supportive may
enhance your relationships and community.
However, what motivates the ‘yes’ is crucial.
Consider two people who both agreed to assist their friend
in moving.
The first one agrees because he has time and wants to do it.
The second one agrees despite his exhaustion but due to his
fear that their friend will consider him uncaring.
It is the same deed.
But it is motivated entirely differently.
The question you can ask yourself when making such decisions
is:
“If I knew that this person would not be mad at me,
would I still say yes?”
Your answer can tell a lot.
A boundary doesn’t have to be an unpleasant thing.
It is just about communicating what you can and cannot
reasonably provide.
Such as:
“I can help out for an hour, but not all
afternoon.”
“I can’t take this on right now.”
“I need a little bit of time before I answer your
question.”
They don’t say no to the other person; rather, they share
information about what your limits are.
But without setting up your boundaries, the other people
will never know how far they can go.
And if you keep saying yes to their requests, they would
probably think that what they are asking you is okay.
However, you may start feeling annoyed in the process.
It’s one of the challenging aspects of being a people
pleaser that you may get angry at the people crossing the boundaries you
haven’t set up.
Now you finally say no.
And then the guilt strikes.
This could lead someone to doubt their choice right away.
Should I just do it?
Was I too strict?
Am I just being selfish?
But having guilt does not automatically mean one is guilty.
At times, guilt might be experienced only because one did
something out of the ordinary for them.
If someone is used to always being available, making time
boundaries might at first feel like a wrong thing to do.
But the fact that it feels wrong does not necessarily mean
one has to change their mind about it.
Stopping the pattern of pleasing others does not involve
outright rejection of all requests.
Sometimes, something far more simple may prove quite
helpful:
Stop responding instantly.
Rather than always saying yes automatically, consider
trying:
“Let me look into that and come back to you.”
“Let me consider whether I have time for that.”
“Can I give you a response later today?”
This small delay leaves some space between the request and
the response.
It provides time to ask oneself such questions as:
Is this what I really want to do?
Can I really afford it?
What am I going to have to sacrifice by saying yes?
Am I saying yes out of a desire to do so, or because it is
hard to say no?
Boundaries may be viewed by some as confrontation.
This does not necessarily have to be true.
A respectful “no” can be concise:
“Thank you for considering me, but at the moment, I cannot
make that commitment.”
“I would like to help, but I lack the capacity this week.”
“I cannot do this, but I can assist with this other thing.”
It is not always necessary to give an extensive reason.
Indeed, too much reasoning can sometimes take on the guise
of further permission-taking when setting a boundary.
There is another facet in learning to say no.
Your yes means more.
The agreements you choose not to make will have greater
relevance to your true priorities, values, energies, and connections.
You can help because you truly want to help.
You can spend time with others because you really wish to be
there.
You can undertake a task because you have chosen to do so
after conscious consideration.
This is far from following what you assume others expect of
you.
Patterns of people-pleasing don’t usually go away just
because you’re told to “say no.”
Instead, the real work can begin sooner by observing what
takes place within yourself when you are asked to do something.
Do you automatically take on the responsibility?
Does your body become stiffened?
Do you begin thinking of their disappointment in you?
Do you fear being seen as selfish?
Do you automatically give in even before thinking about what
you want?
This is all useful information.
In CHE Academy, self-awareness is not only about knowing
yourself. This is about seeing the patterns which guide your decision-making
and learning how to deal with them consciously.
The point is not to stop caring about other people.
The point is to care about other people in such a way that does not involve neglecting yourself.
