Often times, all that separates a great conversation from an argument can be a matter of just a few seconds.
Something gets said that annoys you.
It pops into your head almost instantly.
You start feeling it physically.
Before you have even had time to think about what you wanted to say, the words come tumbling out.
Later on, you may wonder,
Why did I say that?
This is the point at which the distinction between react and respond comes into play.
Reacting is fast and often fueled by emotion, habits, stress, or immediate self-preservation.
Responding is a little bit more than that because it is also emotional but involves awareness as well.
You recognize how you are feeling.
You see what is going on around you.
And then you make a decision.
It could be the exact same scenario but very different results.
The reaction may seem almost instinctive.
If someone comments on your performance, you immediately jump to your defense.
Your family member talks to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and your voice gets louder.
A friend suddenly calls off your arrangements, and you send an angry message before even trying to understand the situation.
At such times, your mind could be reacting to the perceived threat.
The threat need not be physical in nature.
The threat can range from feeling embarrassed to feeling rejected, disrespected, criticized, losing control, or fear of misinterpretation.
This is why reacting under pressure may sometimes seem very quick.
The feeling precedes the explanation.
Just because you have a strong emotional reaction doesn’t mean you have messed up.
Anger, disappointment, anxiety, embarrassment, and frustration are all normal human emotions.
The tricky part is when the very first time you experience an emotion, it is an action.
Suppose that someone sends you a short text message at work.
“Let’s have a chat about your job.”
You may immediately start to feel nervous.
Your mind starts to create an explanation.
It was my mistake.
He is not happy with me.
There will be trouble ahead.
Feelings are real.
However, the explanation created by your mind can be inaccurate.
Emotion provides you with information.
However, it doesn’t always provide the whole picture.
The concept of pausing seems easy enough.
However, it may be hard in reality.
When you are angry or stressed out, you will have a desire to act right away.
You will want to respond to the message.
Fix the mistake of the other party.
Defend yourself.
Explain everything.
Leave the room.
But learning to pause when you have the desire to react will allow you to gain something – time.
A little bit of time will help you to question:
How do I feel now?
What do I assume?
What do I know for sure?
What do I expect from the discussion?
It is not about pausing until your feelings go away.
It is about pausing the initial reaction from making all the decisions.
Mindfulness does not necessarily mean being passive and agreeable all the time.
At times, the right way to respond is to be firm.
There are moments when you have to let the other person know that something upset you.
There are moments when setting a boundary becomes necessary.
The only difference is that you choose the way you react, rather than getting drawn into it.
In such situations as being interrupted in the middle of a discussion in a meeting, for instance, a reactive response could be:
“Could you please stop interrupting me once and for all?”
A mindful response would be:
“I would like to finish my point, after which you can express yourself.”
Both responses resolve the same issue, but in different ways.
Stress causes us to feel that we have less space.
If you are tired, overburdened, anxious, or stressed out already, everything becomes magnified.
What would usually just bother you can now irritate you beyond your limit.
An unintended delay can come across as being disrespectful.
A simple question can sound like an accusation.
And this is partly why people often find themselves reacting in moments of stress more than they do at other times.
It is not only because of what is happening right then and there.
It is also because of everything else that has built up beforehand.
That is why self-awareness can become particularly important in times of high stress.
Often it is not even the question “Why am I reacting so strongly to this?”
But rather “What else am I bringing into this moment?”
Effective communication isn’t only a matter of picking the right words.
It is also a matter of being able to perceive what is going on with you as you communicate.
Self-awareness in communication will enable you to observe how you become defensive, impatient, withdrawn, or too emotional in your conversations.
Maybe you begin talking fast if someone criticizes you.
You become sarcastic if you feel uncomfortable.
Maybe you don’t say anything at all if there is any conflict.
This is helpful to know because your behavior affects the conversation even if it wasn’t your intention.
The clearer you are about your own communication style, the easier it will be to make a change when needed.
Every problem does not need to be solved right away.
Sometimes the best reaction can be:
“Give me some time before we continue this discussion.”
This does not necessarily mean avoiding the problem.
It can mean emotional regulation.
If you are too upset and know that you cannot communicate effectively, then continuing the discussion will probably only make things worse.
Giving yourself some time can help you cool off so you can come back to the discussion more clear-headed.
The important thing is coming back.
To avoid every difficult discussion is not the same as choosing the right time to have it.
Automatic responses usually have some purpose.
Defensiveness may guard you against embarrassment.
Withdrawal may guard you against conflicts.
Anger may help you feel powerful even when you feel hurt.
Such responses make perfect sense at times.
However, what guards you from embarrassment for five minutes can become a bigger threat later on.
Defensiveness may prevent you from receiving criticism.
Withdrawal may make another person feel ignored.
Anger may escalate a minor dispute into a conflict.
Recognizing an automatic response does not imply self-criticism.
It means that you need to understand whether it works for you now.
In times of intense emotion, we find ourselves focusing on the message we wish to convey.
However, asking a different question might serve us better:
“What do I want to have happen after I say this?”
Would you like the other person to understand you?
Do you want the issue to be resolved?
Do you want to set boundaries?
Are you seeking an apology?
Or, do you just need to vent?
The answer to that question can influence the way you choose to communicate.
When seeking understanding, yelling won’t be very effective.
When you seek to set boundaries, a vague answer might not get the job done.
Taking the time to consider the desired outcome transforms impulse into intentionality.
It is not the case that self-awareness means you will never act on impulse again.
You might still find yourself getting defensive.
You might still end up saying things that you later regret.
Only then would you realize that stress had impacted how you reacted.
This does not mean the awareness was pointless.
It can, in fact, be part of the process.
The realization might come after the conversation.
Then you start realizing during the conversation itself.
Finally, you find yourself realizing just before you act.
