A simple remark can haunt you for much longer than the speaker likely intended.
“You could have done this better.”
“You seem like a different person lately.”
“I don’t think this was your most intelligent choice.”
To some individuals, such statements will serve their intended purpose. They will reflect on the advice and carry on.
To other people, the very same comments can occupy their thoughts for hours at a time.
Am I not good enough?
Did I let him/her down?
Does he/she think poorly of me now?
Many times, the toughest part of coping with criticism is not the criticism itself. It is everything that comes along with it and what the criticism implies about you.
This understanding can allow you to see the difference between constructive criticism and the emotions you tend to feel upon hearing them.
Consider for a moment that someone were to tell you that your presentation was difficult to follow.
What is actually being addressed is the presentation itself.
However, your mind may translate this as:
“I am incompetent at my job.”
Alternatively, someone might tell you that you said something that has hurt their feelings.
Rather than translating it to say:
“That particular statement was hurtful.”
Your mind translates this as:
“I am a terrible person.”
This is the reason why criticism tends to be hurtful when taken personally; the mind interprets the criticism as a reflection on the entirety of your identity rather than just on an isolated incident.
The translation may appear minute, but there is a big difference emotionally.
“You messed up” is entirely different from saying “You are a failure.”
“You did not handle the situation well” is different from “You are a bad person.”
When you learn to differentiate between yourself and your actions, you will be able to take criticisms much better without letting them define you.
It is not that you should disregard your responsibility.
It is about seeing the situation for what it is.
In some cases, such a strong response to criticism becomes clearer when analyzed through the lens of your past experience.
Perhaps your mistakes were criticized very much in childhood.
Maybe your approval was based on your success.
Perhaps you got used to being the responsible one, the successful one, the one who never made mistakes.
You could have encountered situations where criticism was far from constructive. This could involve embarrassment, comparisons, rejection, or condemnation.
Gradually, your brain learns the connection:
Criticism means there is something wrong with me.
And this connection will exist even when the person criticizing you does not plan to reject you.
And this is how fear of criticism may sometimes appear disproportionate to the situation.
Because while the conversation takes place now, the roots of your emotions may lie in the past experiences where criticism meant rejection.
You may instantly start to protect yourself.
You may become silent.
You may provide the full details in order to prove that you are right.
Or maybe you just say yes to everything in order to end this uncomfortable conversation.
All of these responses may come automatically without even thinking if the criticism is justified or not.
All criticism cannot be treated equally.
There is useful criticism.
There is partially useful criticism.
There is misunderstood criticism.
Finally, there is unfair, rude, disrespectful or subjective criticism.
The problem is that under strong emotional pressure, one cannot differentiate between various kinds of criticism.
This is the reason why working with criticism usually starts with pausing.
Instead of rushing into:
How do I defend myself?
one should first ask:
What exactly is being criticized?
Next:
What am I adding to the criticism?
For instance, one person criticizes:
“You’ve been late twice this week.”
It’s an observation.
Your brain provides an interpretation:
“They think I’m irresponsible.”
An interpretation may be correct, but not necessarily.
However, making a distinction allows for thinking and not acting impulsively.
One can also ask himself/herself whether there is any useful information in the criticism.
For example, 20% of criticism can be true and useful, while 80% is just an exaggeration.
You don’t need to agree with everything that is said for you to benefit from useful information.
On the other hand, you shouldn’t take all negative comments for constructive purposes.
Self-awareness does not imply automatically accepting any kind of criticism.
Criticism may elicit feelings such as embarrassment, anger, anxiety, defensiveness, or shame.
These feelings are important.
However, these feelings do not always tell you whether the critique you received is right.
You may feel insulted by something which is true.
You may feel insulted by something which is completely untrue.
That is the reason why your emotional reaction to criticism cannot be taken as evidence.
If the comment evokes a particularly strong defensive reaction from you, you may want to ask yourself:
Why do I find this particular comment threatening?
Does this comment strike at one of my insecurities?
Does this comment strike at an identity I have built for myself?
Is it that the manner in which the person spoke to me was insulting, even though part of what he or she said was true?
Or, possibly, am I too emotionally drained to listen to a critique right now?
Knowing why you feel the way you feel will help you distinguish between the two things.
Sometimes, you will need to make an improvement.
Sometimes, you will need to explain a misunderstanding.
Sometimes, you will need to establish a boundary in terms of how people speak to you.
